kinnie & karna
writer
Lainey Starr
BLOG
17th March 2024
The Phenomenon of the Undiagnosed Autistic Mother to Autistic Children
While I am very mindful that there are some in our community who may be estranged from their mothers or who are triggered by toxic relationships perpetuated by troubled Mums, I do plan to address this in a future blog.For now….. I introduce you to my Mum - and so many mothers like her.
Sometimes late diagnosed Autistic women wonder “how did no one pick up on it when I was a child?” Well, apart from it being the 80’s and 90’s in which autism was assigned to “classically” presenting boys; for me…. It was because I was supported and accommodated in such a big way - something I didn’t realise until becoming a mother myself, and I certainly couldn’t fully grasp the extent until I came to the realisation that I was Autistic, like my children.All those little things, done behind the scenes; all the mental and emotional labour; all the preparation and pre-planning. But most significantly, my Mum got to know me… to my core. There was never any pressure around being anything but myself. Not only did she know me; she relished in my company; she laughed at my jokes; she took interest in my interests; she observed my moods; she made time - oh - how she made time! She was so organised, which balanced out my disorganised mind. She picked up the load when I couldn’t. I even remember her dressing me to get ready for school while I was still sleeping, before she ducked off to go to work, because she knew I was extra tired that day and may have needed a leg up.She says I was easy to love. I don’t quite buy that - I believe - she saw me as a full being, not an extension of herself. She didn’t want me to be anything but myself. She radically accepted me before Kristy Forbes had even taught the world about “radical acceptance”.I dread to think the trajectory of my life if I hadn’t been chosen to be her daughter. To my Mum - that intelligent, fiery, resilient woman who shows the world day in-day out what unconditional love is; the woman who still hasn’t even realised her own strength, tenacity and worth; the woman who simultaneously would die for her family but refuses to be trod on; the woman who saved me more times than I can count; the woman who is the rock we all need including my kids….. this blog post is for you.But it is also for all the mothers out there, today and every day, who show up time and time again for their Neurodivergent children; against the judgement; against the criticism; against the fear of isolation; simply because you know intuitively what your child needs.Don’t buy into the mother blaming and the theories that point to every struggle being your fault. Let those cutting comments from your husband wash over you like water in a stream. No one is equipped to carry all that we carry - no one. We are perpetually drowning, so grab on tight to those life boats, and sail alongside them. They will keep you from going under, so that you can fill yourself with the wonder and awe that exudes from your Neurodivergent womb fruit.